Chapter 11 – what is success?

There’s been a question that’s plagued my mind lately.. and to be completely honest, I don’t actually know how to answer it.

What does it mean to be successful?

And by this, I don’t mean it in the way of money, because that’s quite obvious right..

But at the end of our lives, what does it mean to have lived a successful life?

The dictionary defines success as an accomplishment of goals, an aim or purpose. But other internet sources say that living a successful life means to maximise a persons potential or overcome negative aspects of life.

But the reason why this is on my mind starts off with the fact that people around me, my friends with children, they are starting to talk about schools for their children.

Some people having to baptise their child in order to get into a specific school, some having to fork out 10k per year; per child for a certain primary school, some being on wait lists, some changing/faking their address just to get into a certain school, and others just going with the flow and choosing ones closest to them.

And here I am thinking; “but what is the outcome these parents are hoping their child achieves?”

Like don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying these parents are odd, or wrong. I completely understand why you’d want a better school. I’m actually looking into a more expensive school too, but the end goal for our children.. Isn’t necessarily get into university. I mean, if that’s what they want to do, then that’s awesome. I’d be happy either way. But my way of parenting our children has always been more about emotions than education.

I value fun more than I value money.

But maybe that’s ignorant of me to say because I’m in such a fortunate position in life where I didn’t do much with my life, but I’m married to someone who gives me financial stability; enough for me to not work, and do the things I want to do in life (granted, it would be nice to have more time now but I’m not complaining)

But I look at the lives my brother and I had/have, and how we turned out, and look at the people around me who have accomplished so much; career wise, and wonder if I would be happier in their shoes..

But the thing is; is that the grass is not greener on the other side, because there is such a massive fallback for the more successful people that I know, and that is that they are quite mentally unstable. not all.. not everyone.. but.. i do know a lot of people who I admire so much for their career path, who are just not happy..

(But then we also get into the question of “what is true happiness”)

I have a friend who was making the most in the group of friends I have, who was making 3-4x more than me when I was working, who felt so inadequate still..

I have friends who chase jobs after jobs, pay rises after pay rises, get to the salary they wanted, but still didn’t feel like they’re “there..”, didn’t feel like they won just yet, they need to keep going.

I know someone who, even though they have had a pretty good successful career, envious of people who get close or reaches the same salary as them.

While I’m here.. doing my thing.. wondering if I should feel bad about not having that money/success mindset..

And wondering what path I want to lead my children.

For me, at the end of my life, the stories I’ll leave behind, the people I’ve met, the experiences I’ve had, the art I create, and the people I’ve helped. My overall happiness in life, and the mental health of my children; those are the things that will define who I am, and my success. And honestly, if that’s all forgotten, then I wouldn’t care.. I’m dead. I don’t need to leave a legacy.. I just want to live a continuously happy life.

I don’t want to straight up say “this is how I define success, so here, be a hippy, a crappy contribution to society, and not worry about uni/flashy jobs/fancy life style etc etc”

I guess what irks me a lot at the moment too is that people have been asking me if I’m going to return to work. but I asked why?

At the moment.. we are paying more than we need to for our mortgage ever month, we are looking into getting an investment property, we make all our payments for bills, we splurge on the kids quite a lot (not with toys, but with outings, and yet, still have an abundance of toys and clothes for them), we have savings and other investments, and we aren’t on a strict budget.. even enough to splurge and spoil friends. And this is without me needing to work.. I don’t understand why I would need to work

Is it because I’m not contributing to society? Is that why people get so weird about it? or is it because other people are busting their asses working so hard while I sleep all day?

People say I need to go back to work, or at least study so I can go and find a better job later..

But why?

Why can’t I just be a dish washer? Or a food server? Or work as a check out chick?

Why study for a job that I know I’ll hate..

Let me be real for just a moment. So job/study wise for me. This is my “can and can’t” do list. I am pretty badly dyslexic. Bad. Sure.. I’m typing all this out right now, and it’s taken me a long long time to learn to read and write properly, and that literally happened after high school. but it still means that it’s a masssiiveee limitation for me on sooo many job/study things.

My dream job 100% would be psychology. I fucking love peoples fucked up shit, the mind, and all that medical crap. Love it to bits. But do you really want a girl who can’t read to be learning medical stuff? I don’t think so… I can’t bloody spell “chloe” in one go. It took me 2-3 types. I have been offered jobs for receptionist, I am blind to names and faces. Blind. I will meet people like 5 times and still not remember what their names are. I can’t even read names, there has been many moments where I read books, and blank on their names, and then I watch the movie and hear the name for the first time, and am baffled. It’s that bad. I have a phobia to answering phone calls. It comes with the ASD. So.. phone stuff is not for me. That rules out a lot of jobs already 😀 ~ words + tech. I thought about IT, but if I can’t read words, I def wouldn’t be able to read codes. Well what about the jobs I would like? Like design, creative things. I don’t want a creative 9-5 job, inspiration doesn’t work on a schedule.. ever. I use to do hairdressing, and thought about make up, but.. that involves looking at people.. in the face.. and.. that is a limitation for me, I mask it well, but It does honestly make me so uncomfortable. And as for physical jobs I actually do enjoy ~ food related, it’s the hours. I can’t do that anymore, not with children.

So.. what do I do? What should I study?

I was studying English literature in uni before.. (what a laugh right!! This dyslexic bit thinking she can study English harharhar) and I loved it. But wtf am I going to do after that?

Do we as a society value the senseless degrees more than garbage men? (And I am not bashing people with an English literature degree, but for me to have one, it would be senseless, what was I going to do afterwards?!) garbage man would be a cool job for me, the hours work for myself cause I don’t sleep on the same schedule as anybody else

I also know so many people who have done uni, racked up some uni debt, and have not gotten into the careers that uni degree would get them, by choice, because they just changed their minds. I know a bunch of people, who after 10 years of their careers they studied for, wanting out and changing careers. I have friends who did multiple uni degrees who didn’t finish those degrees, and now have a debt and no degree..

I also have friends who didn’t get a degree and still landed 100k+ jobs. But also lots of friends who did what every parent wants, got a degree, and got a very good paying job.

While I’m here, twiddling my thumbs onto my phone.. typing out words, letting autocorrect correct my spelling every second or third word lol.

I know people.. who died before retirement. Who worked so hard in life, for it to be wasted on someone else because they just died. People who got sick and became disabled before life even started for them..

“A healthy man wishes for a thousand things, a sick man only wants one”

I look at my friends lives, and I wonder “what are you working so hard for?”, Mainly the friends who have children.. are you waiting until you retire to be with them? To be truly present in the moment with them, to enjoy their company and laugh and play with them..

I look at our parents lives, and wonder if they did it right, raising all of us the way they did.

And I look at my children and hope that the lessons I’ve learnt translate towards them.

Am I wrong to believe that I am living a successful life? Is it wrong for me to believe it? Does that discount everybody else around me? Making their lives feel wrong? Do people think that I’m wasting my life because I’m not working?

If you had a magic wand, and made any wishes you could, to do anything in the world, to have anything in the world.. would you be wishing for the job that you have? the things you bought with the money you make? Would you want to be doing the 9-5 grind.

When after your mortgage is paid off, and everything is paid, you have enough money to live a comfortable life, what happens next? What would you do? What are you working for?

I would wish for immortality lol. because I want to live forever. I want to continue doing what I do forever. Just sleeping, and drawing, and being around the people I love.

Then watch them die. find new people. Show people a cool party trick be stabbing myself in the stomach and not dying. It would be heaps fun.

Realistically though, I do wish we had a nicer house. That’s about it. Everything else I want, I know I’ll eventually get it, like travelling, paying off the mortgage, the sailor moon wands. Or I’ll die, so it wouldn’t matter any ways.

But mainly, I want the kids to grow up happy, kind, humble, and able to overcome my obstacles they face. Add value to this world with love and kindness. And for them to find a way for me to become immortal. That would be nice.. so I can sleep 🙂