I am worth it.

This post is going to be a little bit depressing. But i just need a little time to let it all out, and let it all go.

So, a few weeks ago when i was helping my mum deliver the invitations to my wedding to the guests that she is inviting, we happen to go to my mum’s friends house who lives right next to my ex. I was sitting in the car, and i could see his car… well.. it looked like the car he had when we were together… and i saw him.

and i felt sick.

My stomach turned, and i just wanted to go home, and be somewhere else. it was raining, and it would’ve been impossible for him to see me. and i doubt he even cares if he saw me.

but he still scares the shit out of me.

And for a while after that, i just havent been feeling well.

at this current moment, my life is.. well, close to perfect. But i am happy, and i couldnt be any happier about how things have turned out. Sure there are a few issues regarding my parents that i wish were a little easier for me, but other than that, life is as perfect as it could be.

and i am not dwelling in the past, and not looking back and wishing there was something i could have done to change it.

but i am mentioning the things that have happened.. because i guess… it is better that i ramble on about it rather than bottling it up and crying about it when it gets too tough to handle.

so here goes.

i think the two things that define me and what i want in life is that i want love and i want to make people happy. these are the things about me that havent changed throughout my life. i know when i was younger, all i wanted was to have someone to be in love with, i was a hopeless romantic, and even started writing stories in which my whole imaginary world revolves around people falling in love. i just love love.

And when i got into high school, and realised i wasnt the pretty girl or the cool girl in school or my group, i realised that i wasnt someone that was going to get asked out by the cool guys, and so i guess i was a little desperate when it came to dating.

there was a moment when i was so immersed in my imagination that i told my old best friend that a guy had asked me out when it was all from my stories, all fiction. i even wore a necklace my mum gave me and told her that that guy gave it to me. I was about 14 at the time, i just wanted to be swept off my feet.

When i was 15, i finally got some guy attention, but it was from someone who lived interstate. and that was awesome, but it wasn’t at the same time. i Became friends with a few more guys from high school too, and something i had always wanted was to have a gay best friend, and to have a guy best friend. and i haven’t yet met gay people at this point, so i focused a lot of energy in having guy friends. being that girl that was cool with the guys.

Bare in mind, that this is all in high school, and the person i am now, is completely different from the person i was back then.

So i had this guy friend, who i considered as my best friend. We would talk all the time. He even set up a notification on his MSN, that when i went ‘online’ the song “Big yellow taxi” by Counting Crows would play. I felt special, It was better because not only was i getting attention from my interstate boyfriend, but from my best friend too.

It turns out that he really liked me more than a friend. To the point that he gave me all his savings money to spend with my boyfriend. He had confessed to me, and told me that i needed to choose between the guy i was with, and him. at first, he didnt really make me choose.. but eventually he did. Or then he’d hurt himself.
i cant remember what i did.. i know i was upset. and i know it wasnt what he wanted because for the next few days/weeks/months, he had changed his display picture to a picture of a bloody knife. and told my he has cut himself because i didnt choose him. He told me that the song “You’re beautiful” by James Blunt reminded him of me. And when i would see him, his hand/wrists were bandaged.

That should have been a red flag for me. But again, i was young, Really fucking dumb.. and just loved the attention.. i mean, a guy hurting himself because he couldnt be with me?! that felt fucking amazing, terrible, but amazing!

wait, there are 3 things that define me. Love, Making people happy, and sex.
I loved sex. still do. Not to the point that im addicted that i cant control myself when im around people and need to be having sex with anyone and anything. but that i appreciate it in all its glory, and i cant get enough of it.

At this point, i had really wanted to have sex, i wanted to lose it to my interstate boyfriend, but he couldnt get hard. He had a heart transplant, and blood wasnt pumping to where it needed to be. and i felt sooo horrible. here i was, ready to lose it to a guy that tells me how beautiful i was everyday, and makes me feel like i am on top of then world, and yet he didnt want me. i was crushed.

not for those reasons, but for many other reasons, we broke up, and i ended up with my best friend who cut himself for me. You can imagine how happy he was when that happened. And i lost my virginity to him, it was pretty magical. He was 2 years older than me, but we were still young, and hormones were everywhere and all we wanted to do all the time was have sex.

Anyways. so one day while i was on his computer, i found photos of a girl in my brothers grade topless, 2 years younger than me. She had sent it to him. and he was telling her all the things he tells me, telling her how beautiful she was, that she had an amazing body, etc etc.
when i confronted him about it, he just told me that it wasnt him. and that it was his friend using his computer.

And thats when i boarded the crazy train.

We broke up and got back together so many times. Eventually, we just stayed together, and all i wanted to do was stay with him forever to prove to the world that no matter how bad the relationship got, that we could make it through anything. but we were so bad for each other, it was a toxic relationship and it only got worse.

i was with him for 3 and a half years.

i dont know if i should share all those stories… i had written them up in a separate private blog before, and now that im re-reading through all that, i don’t know.. it sounds so sad and so horrible. hhrmm… i’ll just copy and paste what i wrote last time.

Please be mindful that these are kinda terrible stories. They all happened a long time ago, and it is all over and done with now.

“…He was a gamers, a really really big gamer. And i use to get so angry because he was just so obsessed with games that he would completely ignore me for them, and because i was a bitchy teenager too. He would spend money he didn’t have, doing shit he didn’t need, to impress people on the games that rip on him.. i don’t know, my little mind couldn’t comprehend that. I think what annoyed me the most was that he was never there for me anymore, so one day, i was so angry at him that i turned his computer off while he was gaming, and he just lost it and hit me.

After high school had finished and my parents warmed up to him a little more, things got a little more serious. but things weren’t going so well with me in the career department. i had flaked out on my hairdressing apprenticeship, and i just didn’t know what else to do. People kept comparing me to Phuong, so i followed in her footsteps and got an office job. but it was terrible, and the only thing that made me feel a little bit better was knowing i could go home to see him. but that was so hard too because i couldn’t drive.. so i had to take two trains and a bus to see him everyday.
His grandmother died during this month, i ended up going on anti-depressants because i couldn’t handle things anymore, it was so bad that i ended up taking up his attention while he was grieving because i was just so depressed. i ended up losing my job, i decided to take the whole packet of anti-depressants. it hadn’t been the first attempt of suicide, but it was a big one.
i then went over to his place, made him have sex with me and passed out because of the medication. he rushed me to the hospital and called my parents. and the doctors had to explain to them that i tried to kill myself.

Another moment i remember was when i was over at his house, and we were flirting, but i didn’t want to have sex. so i kept saying no, but he didn’t take that no as a real no, so he kept insisting. He ended up forcing it upon me, and when it was over i just started crying while he gamed.

my friend from high school died. he came over with flowers because he thought it would cheer me up. that was one of the only nice thing i can remember about him.

i never trusted him.. and i would constantly go though his computer and phone, and everything. and i ended up finding more things that i didn’t want to see. i found conversations with him flirting with other girls, watching them on webcam as they touched themselves, him telling them that he lied to me and told me he went to work while he stayed at home to game in peace. i ended up finding a folder labeled limewire. and in it was hundreds of photos of little girls in the nude… standing there and smiling as if they had no idea what was really going on. and when i asked him about it.. he said he had accidentally downloaded it, again, i believed him because normal people don’t do that.. right?

My mental health kept getting worse by this point, i have been going to see many doctors and mental health professionals. And because my health was bad, everything between us was bad. i would argue with him, asking him why he didn’t love me enough, and he would say those sweet things that girls want to hear in order to stay with him.. and i kept listening and staying with him…
i kept thinking that no one would ever love me after this… because if he had loved me that much to have hurt himself over me before… who else would do something like that for me? plus, would i be capable of loving someone else?

we got back together and i overdosed again on sleeping pills after that. and was in a worse state in the hospital. i was then put into a disability program since it wasn’t just depression i was dealing with.

i remember always threatening to stab myself with a knife, and him having to hurt me physically to get it away from me.. and i would get more angry because he was able to hurt me but i couldn’t hurt myself. He had strangled me at one point.

one day, he had told me that he was sick, so i came over to bring him some food and water for him to feel better. he wasnt home and he had left his computer on without his password protection. and i had found a letter left on his desktop; to a girl my brother was talking to. It was a love letter written by him to her, telling her that he couldn’t stand hearing that another man touches her. there were also folders of naked photos of her… i panicked, took a usb and copied those photos over. called him, fought with him and left. i had to ask my brother how old she was, because she was younger than my brother. at the time, i was 18, my brother was 16 and she was 13 and my boyfriend was 20-21.

when i went through his computer, i also found a folder named “Rachael topless”, She was his neighbours daughter. he was in the bathroom, and had seen into their backyard through his little window… and so he took his camera and had taken photos of her. Rachael wasn’t in high school yet.”

For a long time after we had broken up, while i had started dating Dave, and going smoothly with him, He had kept trying to contact me… and i just didnt want anything to do with him, and he just never left me alone…

i got sick of it one day, and i went to the police.. and the police rang him, but he didnt pick up… and after that, he never contacted me again.

I know that there are a lot more i could’ve gone to the police about, but at that time, i had done something illegal that he knew about and so if i went to the police, he would too.

Anyways. My point to all this, all these terrible memories and terrible stories was that every time i think back at my life, i think about how i almost killed myself. That that was one of my goals in life back when i was younger, that when i was 19, i wouldn’t be alive. and i dont think i’ll ever stop thinking about that because now i value my life so much. and i know, the older i get, the happier i am to be alive.

For so long i hate being alive. i kept telling myself that i didnt belong here, that i was a waste of air, and that all these great people would die, and yet, im still here.. all useless and stuff. i had no self worth.

All because i was with someone that made me feel disposable.

But i hadnt felt like dying in such a long time… even after things ended with Dave.


So i started writing that in March, before the wedding. and i didnt think i’d post it because its kinda hard to read. But i think i will, not to try to tarnish his name (i didnt mention his name)
but to shed light on a terrible situation, and knowing that i was able to come out of all that ‘okay’.

For a long time, i struggled with my self worth. No matter what i did, i never thought i was worthy of anything. Every time somebody would ask me to draw them a picture or do something for them, i would, and wouldnt ask for anything in return… but that made me feel even worse because people just took the things i gave them without even a thought afterwards..
I had been taken advantage of so many times because i never thought i was worth it enough to stand up for myself.

Every business adventure i did, i failed at because i didnt think i was good enough to charge what other people were charging. i kept seeing everybody around me pick those business adventures up, and going ahead with it, being really proud of themselves. And i really admired that, i really wish i had that much confidence in myself.

and it took my such a long time to find confidence in myself and my work. i’d say a very long time, but i still feel young, so i guess not that long.

now, i cant imagine being this insecure person i once was.

every time i look at my story, my old self, and everything i have been through, i just want to give my younger self a hug and say that everything is going to be okay. because it is…

i didnt finish this post before because after i had write it, i found my peace, i just needed to let it all out, even though i didnt show anybody.. and then i got married to a guy that even though, can be super selfish, and super stupid sometimes, can make me happy with just talking to me.. and so i got my closure.

i know later in the future, i might have these feelings come up again. but future me can deal with it.

Wedding part two.

the more i think about the wedding, the more i dont want to blog about it because to me, it wasnt the best day of my life, or the most fun, or blah blah blah. it was just a big expensive day. Dont get me wrong, it was awesome that i got to marry my best friend, but like… people make weddings out to be the best thing ever, and its not. its ridiculously over-rated, terribly over-priced, and most of all, the biggest show you’ll ever have to do in your life.

But anyways, So right back to where i left off.

Vendors: Decorator, Music, Photographer, Beauty, MC, Celebrant.

So Decor-a-shaan did our decorations, Photos in the previous blog.
Total cost was $1675
35 chairs – $295 (i think, cant exactly read her writing on the paper she gave me)
red carpet – $90
cherry blossom arch – $450
two flower stand – $100
easel – complimentary
Cherry blossom tree – $500
love seat – $200
set up fee – $75

So when i first met Nita, the owner, she was suppperrr tired. It was a weekday, but she looked like she hadnt slept for days, and she was telling us about how she had a weekday wedding that went on all night, and she looked like she needed a break from it all.

so i knew she was tired, and Nathan hadnt met her yet, so he got really annoyed that Nita didnt get back to us with a lot of things, up until the very last minute. so it was a little stressful, for him i guess. i got a bit worried when it ended up being the last month-2 weeks, and we still hadnt heard anything from her.

So because of that, she threw in the easel for free.

The only problem was, that they brought the easel late on the day, and i had made a mirror frame so that people could take selfies with it when they got there…
but it arrived after people had already gotten their seats. AND! the easel was short!!! not the one i asked for neither.. so it was a bit disappointing.

and, the staff took a long time to pack up as well, so that we ended up wasting a bit of time waiting for them instead of doing more productive things.

Other than that, the decorations looked great. the price was great too. i did not feel like i was ripped off, but i wouldve paid a little extra to get the easel done right.


Wedding Strings.
Total: $750 (3 people – 2.5 hours)

Gillian had them for her wedding, and Neaw had them for her wedding too. They were fantastic then, and now for ours.

Nathan thought they were expensive, and i told him that its three people, which means each person gets $250. and it was 2.5 hours which means each person is getting $100 an hour. Which in the end, doesn’t sound like that much, especially if you consider that not everybody can pick up an instrument and play it.. and even more so, string instruments that would take yeaaarrrrrrsssss of practice.

So, if i were them, would i charge any less for my talents??? Defiantly not.

I hired them for longer than i thought i needed because i really didnt know how long the ceremony was going to go for.

And the only other thing that worried us was that they would not come if it rained and they werent under shelter, because they couldnt get their instrument wet, and you wont get your deposit back because its not their problem that we didnt provide shelter for them. Makes sense, i wouldnt want to get ready for a job, and not get paid for it when it wasnt my fault someone else wasnt prepared for me.

So we were just worried about the weather the whole week before the wedding.. but it was a beautiful day and the ceremony went great.

DJ Mike Hyper.

I talked to my friend Rich, who’s brother is a DJ at a nightclub that we go to, and he does such an amazing job. It wasn’t until i was at a club? in Brisbane that i realise how much of a difference it made to have a good DJ. In the bris club, There were moments when people got into the song, and started dancing, then suddenly, he would switch songs, but there were a few seconds gap between the songs, and in those few seconds, the vibe just died.. and not just that, but going from once type of rhythm to a completely different one just didnt work.
Anyways, so yeah, good DJ’s makes a difference.

Neaw had one for her wedding that was sooo amazing, and we asked for quotes, which ended up being $800

And asked Rich if he knew anyone, and got us Mike Hyper for $600, (matey rates) cause Rich loves me. =D

Mike was fantastic, BUT BBUT BUTTT, this is defiantly not his fault at all, AT ALL!! cause its mine, but i ended up choosing the songs i wanted for the wedding, which mann was a big mistake.

Out of all things i was able to actually make a decision on, i shouldn’t have.. lol

So normally, they would play those really cringy songs for the intros of the bridal party and the parents, but i didnt want that, i just wanted one whole song played through, but mike had to cut the song for intro breaks, and so it sounded repetitive and it didnt work.

Two, i shouldve let him and the MC decide all the upbeat stuff, cause im a chill person, and i wanted a chill vibe.. but like, chill aint fun! this aint a movie! its a party!! lol..

but other than that, i like him, he was really sweet. he thanked me for feeding him, which was nice.

Photographer & videographer

Wedding Gallery
Total: $6700 (includes Tea ceremony: 1 hour video, 3 hours photography. Ceremony: All day video, all day photos. An album & a framed photo)

Neaw and Regan also recommended them, but before they had their wedding. Nathan didnt like their work, i was alright with it, i wasnt sold on it, but to be honest, im not sold on many wedding photographers, wedding photographers pretty much piss me off.
(Here are my reasons cause why not. SO! As a photographer, i know the work that goes into photography, i know the ups and downs to it. I know that some photographers outsource, i mean, not even some, MOST photographers outsource, Two examples, one of my friends hired a guy for her wedding, and met with someone for a consultation about their wedding photos right, then on the day, somebody else showed up instead. i read up on the guys website, and there was a part on it that says that “If you’re an aspiring photographer, come and join our team, experience not necessary, you’ll learn as you go etc etc” So basically, she ended up getting one of those noobs photographing her wedding, and the photos looked nothing like the photos he uses on his website to advertise. Her photos were pretty fucking terrible. Second example was a lot of photographers send their photos off overseas to get processed. take the long tedious work out of it and pay them china rates.
Im not saying that you shouldn’t pay these rates to your wedding photographers and videographers, because the breakdown in that was that was lets say, for example, my photographer & videographer, would be getting $190 an hour; per person for 17 hours.. it sounds like a lot, but im only including the hours spent taking the photos, not the hours spent editing the photos, and i also didnt include the album and frames.
so if they did out source then their pay per hour drops. but if they edited it themselves, then you add another 5 hours or so into that mix. so about $150 an hour.

If you were a wedding photographer, (Wedding meaning that your job is seasonal) And you worked for 14 hours or more straight, i mean, photographers could start from 5am in the morning all the way til midnight, without food. Would you want to be paid any less???

Time is important, but the other thing that is important, is ‘Style’, People pay extra for a persons “style” of photography.)

I really liked Evan; the photographer. He sounded really kind and genuine. He was one of the vendors that got back to us straight away, and kept in constant contact with us. So it was great.
And on the day, i know he and the videographer worked really hard. They barely got to sit down to eat, i know they didnt eat at all during lunch, and barely for time for anything during the reception, so i like them for that. They worked their butts off.

As for their style, i wasnt too impressed. They took beautiful photos, but it wasnt “us”, i didnt feel like i am at the wedding while looking at the photos, they were really dark, and had a vibe to them, but its not the vibe that portrayed us. So its not their fault, we just shouldve gotten people who were more like us… BUT! in saying that, we didnt know what “we” are until we saw the photos and knew that that wasnt us. I also think that they got super overwhelmed by the amount of girls there were, so im not blaming them for me not liking my wedding photos.

They were too dark for me personally… i love vibrant colours.. and a bright mood.

OH!! the other thing  i shouldve done was hire a second photographer.
But the Evan was really sure of himself, that he would be able to do the job on his own, so i trusted that.. and well, it costed another $800… and uhhhh moneeyzzzzz..
BUT! i really really really wished i hired another photographer. Only because my bridal party was fucking massive… MASSIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
And while the main photographer concentrates on us, The second photographer can go crazy with everybody else..

So im sooo bummed that i didnt get many photos of and with everybody else.

But i did tell him to concentrate on getting the guest photos, but now that i see the photos, they were majority guest photos =/ and it kinda sucks.

BUT not much i can do about it now.

Total: $350
PMP Beauty Salon Fairfield.

Neaw organised the hairdresser for me cause her mum is a hairdresser. so i went there. But her mum has broken her arm just before the wedding, so her friend did my hair for me.

My hair wasnt what i wanted, because the hairdresser was Thai, and they didn’t know how to do hair to fit the Vietnamese bridal crown, but it worked fine. i was happy.

And they did a great job with Ajay and Lanas hair.

They did my hair for the tea ceremony, and then Lana and Ajay’s hair for the ceremony.

Eyelash Extentions.
Kyleen’s Lash & Beauty

My lovely Bridesmaid kyleen did my eyelashes for me before the wedding.
Im not just saying this because shes my friend, but i defiantly love her work.

She is super clean and anal, which is a plus for me. Shes very very very gentle, and she gets straight to the point. “Your eyes are small, so the longer lashes might look weird” Or, “dont just go for longer lashes because they might be too heavy for your real eyelashes to handle”, shes honest, and told me straight up that she recommends people certain types of lashes to benefit them, not her. Very genuine.

she even gave me a top up because i sleep on my face and half my lashes fell off..

The day after the wedding, i only had about 5 lashes left.. cause they all fell off… because i sleep on my face lol!!! and cause im super oily…

so i guess lash extentions and me just dont work out.

Cake & Candy bar

Hairly did the candy bar for me, and she charged me mates rates.

Shirley made a beautiful cake for me for the candy bar too, which i was sad i wasnt able to share on the day cause we were sooo frikin busy and DELAYED!! that we couldnt even get to it.

Hairly did just a wonderful job with the candy bar though, she put in too much effort… hahaha, i didnt want to overwork her, cause i personally dont care too much, but she did go above and beyond.

She made cake pops and everything too. i was really happy with it.

Shirleys cake was really delicious, and i had seen her progression of trials and errors, and it was something i wanted to advertise as well cause shes super talented.

i didnt end up giving her the cake topper i bought on time, so she made it herself 🙂

This was the cake provided to us by the reception, excluding the cake topper and flowers.

i threw the flowers on it, and i ordered the cake topper on Ebay ($23) , asking if they could use the font i used for my invitations.

that cake tasted so boring~!!! i really wished shirleys cake was shared around.

Total: $800

My friend Hang had this MC at her wedding, and he spoke fluent Vietnamese and English, and i was laughing through out the night, i thought he did an incredible job. He sorted all of our shit for the reception, and mann that was such a big thing cause it started getting messy by then.

and he was just so funny. After the wedding, some of the girls told me stories of how he was at the wedding, Beryl told me about how he told Beryl that he wanted to wear Beryls dress, then Beryl asked him if he wanted to swap, while they were on the dance floor dancing, and he said “Nah, i dont want to look better than you” or something along those lines.. But he was savage. He was the life of the party haha.

and in the end, he thanked us for thanking him in our speeches.

Total: $450
Leanne recommended her, but i messaged her over and over again and she never replied to me on facebook, and asked Leanne to tell her that i had messaged her, but she still didnt reply…
Then Nathan found someone at cabramatta, and called them up, and it turns out to be the same person i messaged.

so we went with her because she spoke both Vietnamese and English, and we couldnt find anyone else. She was adorable though, very sweet and very well spoken, but she was not organised, and had written my name wrong, and following up was a bit of a hassle.

We didnt hire her for much though, just to sign the certificate for us, and marry us because we were going to do the whole big show the following day with Scott.

But on the day she did great.

Black board ($12 kmart) chalk marker (Officeworks, cant remember price), Learning to write like that, priceless.



Soooo.. This was something i wanted to spend as least amount of money on as possible, because people are going to throw away invites. BUT! i also did not want to use the “free” ones that we were provided by the reception. they were fugly.

I wanted to design them myself, i was planning on painting my own little designs, but time got short, so i ended up buying some stamps on etsy, and using them instead, which was perfect because i got some of the flowers i used for my bouquet.

Etsy stickers: $12

I also didnt make my own font too, cause i could not be fucked.

And went with vista print, cause they were cheap.

When the invites got back, it was missing something, so i bought some gold watercolour and painted the edges, and splattered the back with paint.

So it was a nice small touch.

Print cost: $250
Paint: $50

I had printed/wrote my mums invitations wrong, and so i had to get them reprinted, so the cost added up. or then it wouldve been under $200.

Photo clothes hanger

I wanted to display photos of me and my life with Nathan and my friends. So i made myself a clothes line. i walked around bunnings for some time, and i am going to brag about this, but as i saw the materials i could use, i made the plans up in my head then and there, went home, and made that shit.. with tools!! cause im a handy man.

Total: $25

Wedding Favours.

We started selling the little nutella jars at work, and i loveeee tiny things (have you seen my tiny collection???), so i wanted to use those and incorporate my name into them.

Nutella: $100 (62 jars)

I didnt want to buy, remove and replace 250 nutella jars, so i thought i would make it for the tea ceremony, and then make cheaper little boxes for our weddings. so for our weddings i made little parcels.

Hairly and Loc came over and helped me put the stickers on all the boxes, Annie bought me the chocolates, and Ajay and Lana helped fill the boxes up with chocolates and tie them up. Beryl helped with the nutella jars too.

But they ended up being super cute.

Why little parcels??

Because in the first year of our relationship, it was a long distances once, and we had send each other about 100 letters and packages.

i wanted to put little loveheart chocolates into the packages because of my necklace, but moneyyyy so i went for a cheaper option, then realised that i ran out of chocolates, so lana, ajay and i went to coles and bought whatever would fit into those tiny boxes…

total: 62$ boxes, 93$ chocolates, Tags 24$, 12$ Washi tape = $190

Bridesmaids Gifts.
As mentioned in the previous post, i love my girlfriends.

if i had all the money in the world, i wouldnt donate much to charity, because i would be spending it on them instead. and well, everybody else in my life.

so i wanted to make little candles, cause i wanted to be creative, and i wanted to throw in more of the themed stuff, i love watermelon (the scent), Nathan loves watermelon (the food), our theme colour is pink and mint.. so we made candles… and cause i wanted to do things.. like, i feel like i need to be doing something.. all the time..

Candle making isnt as simple as i thought, was really interesting, and it all smelt so nice and worked so well =D

very happy with how we went.

Again, i didnt paint the watermelon or cherry blossoms, they were from the amazing google images. which as an artist, i should not be doing at all, but as a person who has no time and fucks, i just went to good old google.

Bought some bags for the 22 girls, bought a printer to print out all the printables. lol..

The Mirror.

I was so proud of this one. but it didnt go the way i wanted to in the end, which made me sad.

But yeah, so i looked everywhere online for a mirror around that size, with a frame.

No where sold one, bunning, kmart, target, blah blah blah. And when they did, it costed more than $80, which i could not justify. And thank god i didnt spend that much, since it wasnt even properly used.

BUT! i had the idea that when people would take photos of the sign, that they could be in it too 🙂

This is my picture of Neaw and Reagan’s sign at their wedding.

i found the mirror on gumtree, all the way in newtown. but for $20!!! (win!) i cut out the writing for the mirror, took my sweet ass time placing it onto the mirror, straight, and without smudging it, and then somehow tried to attach the flowers onto the mirror without breaking it.

but i guess with transporting, the cherry blossoms fell off, which is where you can see the strings dangling from the bottom?? that was suppose to be on top holding it up from the back. Cant all be perfect i guess, and i guess i could also photoshop that out of the photo too.

Everything else.


This was one of the mistakes i made, which was buying nathans suit at politix when it was the boxing day sales. I knew nothing about suits, all i know was that one time i went with my dad, and he really liked the suits, so i went with that.

But the suit was ill fitting, the guy didnt know wtf he was doing, and it was all fucking expensive.

total: $500 for the suit, $50 for alterations.

I went around looking for suits for Tommy and Seth, but Tommy insisted that he wore the navy suit he already had, so that we didnt need to waste more money, but then we had to match the suits.. i found that a bit of a challenge.. mainly because Tommy is in another state, and i only got to see the suit in real like one time, and photos dont pick up colour the same way as the eye does…

Luckily for me that i am amazing.. hahaha..

Sutis look fucking identical.

Swear… like no photo that shows the proper colour…

Suit: Asos, $114. (The thing that sucked hardcore was that Seth had to get his suit altered, and things in Brisbane is hella expensive, and it ended up costing him an extra $200 or so.. alterations costed more than the suit…)

Shirts for Tommy & Seth: Conner, 3 for $50 (got my dad an extra shirt)

Ties: Ebay, $1.70 each.

My shoes

So, i bought some grey shoes online, they were jelly and i was like “yay comfort”

Then as the time went by, i thought… Why the fuck did i buy grey………. GREY!

my life isnt grey..

when have i ever been a mono-toned person… (asides when i speak… lol)

i love colours!! bright bright brightttt colours.. (it makes up for my mono-toned voice)

So i weeped a little internally, because i didnt want to waste a good pair of shoes, and a good amount of money, and contemplated looking for new shoes..

Anyways, i searched for a bit, and stumbled onto these red shoes that i really liked, but they were limited, and out of stock… THEN! saw glittery teal shoes on ebay in my size…

IT WAS A SIGN! so i bought it.
Shoes: Mimco brand, brand new, $80

I think thats all i bought??????????
i dont know what else there was…

But i’ll end this blog here cause its super late, and i am super tired, if you havent noticed my massive paragraphs turn into sentences with swears..


The Wedding, from start to finish. PART 1

Warning, This is going to be an extremely long post.

but i did want to talk about the whole experience and how we all went about with the whole ordeal.

To be honest though, i dont know where to start with the whole thing. So much has happened, so much drama and annoyance and everything else in between.

Okay, so i’ll start with the fact that i didnt want to have a wedding. but i kept contemplating it for a while, i kept thinking that almost all parts of me doesn’t want to have a wedding, (Wedding, not marriage) but the only part of me that does, is the part that keeps thinking “But what if you regret not doing it”. I want my parents to be happy, i want my parents to be able to walk me down the aisle and celebrate together as a family. my family have been so separated, even though we all live under the same roof for so long now, and its so rare to have all 4 of us in the same room at the same time. so i thought when is that was going to ever happen again.

and well, Nathan really wanted to have a wedding. and i guess his opinion had to matter. lol jks jks. it never matters.. hahaha nah. his cool.

but he wanted a wedding, i guess for the same reason.

We had been planning to get married for quite some time now, even before we got engaged. we went out and bought wedding bands, skipping the engagement ring because i told him that it was unnecessary, especially because he hadn’t gotten a job yet, and i was only working a few days a week.

The Rings

the process of the rings was alright. i already kinda knew the in’s and out’s since its not my first time going ring shopping… its actually my third. lol.
but we needed to see what he wanted, and what would suit him. We went to western places, where the prices are marked up like crazzzyyyyy….

Okay, so i had to dig through all my old receipts to find it all, and then calculated online on how much the average of the types of diamonds i was looking at/what i bought would be valued at.

We ended up going to a place my mum took us, after we discovered that Nathan looks better in yellow gold instead of white, and he also picked out a style he liked too.

We asked if they could make Nathan the ring he wanted, and i just chose something from their display and got it tinier to fit my tiny fingers.

Cost – $800 per ring. much much much happier than paying more than +$1000 for my ring. there wasnt any place that quoted us less than $1k

So, i went to Gregory’s with Dave while we were together, and we looked at rings and diamonds, and i got a quote for a ring.
If everybody doesn’t already know it. i wanted a heart shape ring, with a halo around it and a band with little diamonds on it too.

Similar to this.

the quote read ~ 1.52ct, F colour, IF clarity, Heart shape = $3800

i looked up online for an average price for that. and it was about $1916 – $3925

That price didnt include the band and the extra diamonds. the total ended up being $6600 for 18ct white gold, or $7600 for platinum. Whiiiccchhhh i guess is still wayyyyy better than buying a Tiffany & co ring. cause i went to try those on, and i did not like them at all.

But Nathan and i went to buy our ring at a place in Cabramatta.

0.94ct, F colour, VS clarity, Heart shape = $2800

online prices = $4800 – $9261

Now, the one thing that sets these two diamonds apart, and i guess its a big big issue for resale purposes, is that the diamond i bought isn’t GIA certified.

BUT! it did not bother me at all. it did not bother me that there are tiny inclusions in the diamond that you could kinda see under a microscope. wait.. let me see if i could take a picture of it.

This is the photo i or nathan.. i dont know anymore.. took with our new macro lens.

Not the best photo of a diamond because the diamond needs to be cleaned… but i guess its still alright.

i still dont think you can see the inclusions in this photo. but there is a tiny black triangle, and two tinier dots next to it. it was really hard to take a photo of because the ring isnt cleaned.. lol

But i used nathans thingo to look through it and take a photo of it. best i can do with an iphone for now i guess.

But yeah, so im pretty happy with the rings. they even engraved our names for free. although i was kinda disappointment about that cause the writing wasn’t nice.. and im anal about calligraphy. like, i wouldve paid money to get it written nicely… but its done, i dont want to offend them and tell them to fix it.

Secondly, i guess is the ring box, since its in the photo.

While i was looking on etsy, i found a ringbox i liked, which was this clear glass one. it was kind of expensive, so i left it for a bit, and when i came back to check again, it was no longer available. Eventually, after continuously looking everywhere, online, in stores, thinking about making it myself, another one similar to it popped up on etsy again. so i bought it. I then ordered some artificial moss on ebay and played the waiting game for both items. They arrived, i placed the rings ontop of the moss in the box, and the rings fell straight through to the bottom of the box. so i went and bought florist foam, layered a piece of green felt down first, carved the foam so that there was about 3-4mm space between the edges of the foam and box so that i could put the moss in so that it looks like its a moss cube, then added moss on top and a bit of tacky glue.

Thus, my ring box was ready.

Cost – box = $51. Foam = $2?, moss = $12

The Necklace.

So, long story short.. i have a fantasy world, and a story and a whole big imaginary world.. i made up my own little character and whenever i got sad i would pretty much day dream as if i was watching TV. The main character was a girl named Nina, and she was gifted a red heart necklace. Anyways, so ever since i was young, i’ve been in search of this necklace. i just wanted some thing i could look at, or hold onto and know that i was going to be okay. and so i found a few things that looked similar, but it wasnt until we went to vietnam that i found a stone that matched what i wanted, and when we came back here, i got it made into a pendant.

The stone was $60 the pendant was $350 18ct white gold, and the chain for the necklace was $20

The Proposal.

This came after the rings and everything else. Again, long story short.

I wanted it recorded because i hoard memories. I believe for me that if i have them on photo or video, that i will remember them forever. because my memory is getting pretty bad these days.

i also wanted to have a balloon theme cause i’ve always wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride. blah blah blah. cute cheesy shit.

Videographer = $300
Venue hire = $260?
other accessories, = Nathan paid.

The Bridesmaids.

My girls are more important to me than my dress, or hair or make up or anything. The thing i’ve always always loved is taking massive group photos, let me find examples.

That was our “Suit up” birthday event. And after all the photos with my cosplay girls, i’ve just loved the idea of dressing up in the same outfits and taking photos.

i’ve always just really wanted a group photo with all the people that have made a significant dent in my life.

im pretty sure people think im crazy for having so many bridesmaids… actually.. crazy for having so many friends…. and its pretty hard, while i was jobless a few years ago, i was still busy everyday because i was just seeing people. now that i have a job, i have to juggle between who im going to see, when im going to see them, and for how long. because my friends and i, we dont just hang out for an hour or two, talk about whats new in our lives, then go home and do whatever. We will sit there for agessss, and chit chat about everything and anything. i use to do 3 different outings in one day just to be able to see everybody. then i had the hobbies i was into, that took up a lot of time, and the people i was dating who i guess i needed to spend time with lol.

but it was tough, and i guess now that everybody is getting older, and that i also plan to have kids, its only going to get tougher to see people.

But alas, i have a lot of people i trust, that i can depend on, that i know will be there for me when times are rough. i know that they take what i have to say as something of value, and respect my opinions and also always calls me out on my shit, and tells me when i am being unreasonable.

They are not fake. They are all different. but the thing i know are all the same are that they all have hearts of gold, and they all are strong women, people i can look up to in completely different aspects in life. Some are amazing mothers, some are amazing workers, etc etc etc.

Anyways. i also wanted them to wear white.

WHICH! for some reason, gives peoples the shits. i dont know why??? its not their wedding! but mann.. people have opinions on things that dont relate to them at all.

When i went with Tina to look for her dress for her wedding, Tina told me to try on dresses too since i was also going to get married at the time, so i tried on an ivory dress, and asked the shop assistant if there were any white bridesmaid dresses, and she just got all bitchy and said “No one has white bridesmaids”, she then went on about how im going to look “dirty” in ivory while the girls wore white, that no bride wants their moment stolen by girls wearing white. She was wayyyy too opinionated on something that wasnt her business.

But a lot of people asked my why i ended up choosing white. Well, actually, i didnt end up choosing it, it was my choice before i even knew i was going to get married. I told most of the people that asked that i had gone to a wedding once, and all the brides friends was wearing white, and everybody just looked so good in it, and i really liked it.

another reason was well, to me, white was just an angelic colour, and thats how i saw these girls in my life, they had one way or another saved me from myself, and all the negativity that i had gone through. You know that moment, when the bride walks in and the husband sees her for the first time, and she has this beauty, and purity? or like.. that glow, a simple beauty, thats what i see in all of them. plus, white worked with everybody!

i did however choose mint for Ajay and Lana cause they are my odd balls.

So the dresses i originally wanted was a one shoulder maxi dress. But i could not find any places with the dress i wanted, i also did not want to make that many dresses.. and when i did find a dress i liked, it was way too expensive.

i somehow stumbled upon the infinity dresses, and thought, well.. you know what… i don’t need to measure anybody then! it was all free-sized! How convenient. i had messaged the seller about the dresses while i was with Dave, but i never got back to her because Dave and i were no longer getting married.

But i looked around again because there were more people selling the dresses, but ended up going with the same seller i had originally talked to, and saved up enough money to buy the dresses with my money before Nathan and i joined bank accounts.

thats the picture i drew while i was with Dave, that was what my plan was.

This was my reality.

What a dream!!

Anyways, So this is going to take a long frikin time, but i want to thank each girl, and tell everybody why they are there.

Left to right. And im going to skip through a few things because i feel like i’ve been through so many ups’ and downs with each girl, they’ve all been there through my rough times, and i was there through theirs, etc etc etc. so i’ll just talk about the unique stuff.

Ajay, She has been my longest friend, we started our friendship off when she wasnt even in school yet. as the years have gone by, and we each grow up, i think that our opinions and our mind sets have completely changed that we arent on the same level with things, but thats what happens, but that also isnt a bad thing at all.. it just means that our friendship has stood through all these changes, us being such different people now, and yet, how love and respect for each other still continues to be strong. Ajay really has been there for me, in moments where all i needed was just to complain about the smallest things that made me feel important. she has always made me feel like i had a companion for life.

Tina, like a lot of my friends actually, i wasnt friends with Tina to start off with, we were friends through friends, but then bonded when we had class together in high school. she had always stood up for me, always verbally, and i know if it ever came up, she would physically do it too. I use to just pop by to her place when she lived closer and we would just sit in her study and talk about boys. There were moments in our friendship where i felt like i was someone she could rely on, when she had gotten car troubles and needed a lift, i know its nothing to brag about, but i was really happy to be that person that she could count on. I know she trusts me in those moments, and i know i can always rely on her if i ever needed anything as well.

Sheila, I dont get to see sheila now as much as i’d like to, i know our friendship could be more than what it is now, but regardless of that, what we do have is quite amazing still. She was the girl i would love to introduce to my friends, the person i knew would get a long with everybody. She is open, and bubbly, and just so sweet. i’ve seen her grow and become her own person, and its just so nice to see someone take control of their lives, mixing in pleasure and responsibilities and living life to its fullest and not holding back. I admire how fearless she is, and its what i want to have more of for myself.

Brittaney, from the moment i met her properly i knew she was a keeper, Nathan would always tell me that he would love for her to be in a bridesmaid, and we’re both so glad shes there. We havent been friends for so long, i think the shortest friendship within the group of girls, but just as important than everybody else there. Brittaney has been the person who came up to me and asked me if i needed anything, and someone i relied on a lot for the process of the wedding organising, and was completely on point with everything she helped us with.

Courtney, Our friendship started off so oddly, cause we knew of each other for sooo long, but never thought to actually meet each other properly and get to know each other because when we did, we found out that we were both secretly into the same things,  at that time, we were both getting into cosplay, we were both reading the same comic books, (but i was reading the old school ones while she was reading the reboot) and we were both studying at uni online. Courtney has been the one i could be weird with, that no matter what i told her, she did not judge me, and laughed along with every weird thing i said, sometimes you just need a break from being normal, and just be weird with someone.

Linda, i heard sooo much about Linda from Jerin, and i was a little jealous at first because Jerin spoke sooo highly of her. but when i met her and got to know her, i fell in love with her instantly. She is so pure, and so sweet, there is this meme/quote i always see and it reminds me of her so much. that “One day, somebody would be so incredibly lucky to have you”, and i completely believe it. She has such a soft gentle heart, and shes so cute and quirky on the outside that its just so hard not to love her.

Shirley, my primary school bff, We had these teddybears, and they were best friends too. and our teddy bears would write each other letters, and all sorts of childish things. We were attached at the hip at some point in primary school. Shirley is the most talented person i know, She can pick up anything and master it. Not only is she creative, but she is soooo smart, but at the same time, shes so down to earth too and equally as quirky as everybody else. im so glad that our friendship stood through all of our different milestones, our different paths and mindsets.

Kyleen, i wasn’t the closest to Kyleen in high school as i am now, but i am so happy with how our friendship has blossomed. There was this moment we had one time in the car, where she talked about how much she loved her partner Roland, and she just started to get teary and cried. This was while i was with Dave, and at that moment, i knew i wanted what she had, she was talking about how good he was to her, and how good of a father he was.. and she was so lucky to have him. i thought it was beautiful. The thing i think with Kyleen is that people only see her as a mother of two, but they dont see what a truly wonderful person she is, how hard working and how good she is as a mother, partner and a friend. And i am so lucky to be able to watch her grow from a high schooler to everything she is today.

Jerin, We were best friends at the end of primary school, she was taller than me, and had short boy hair, but after primary school ended, everything ended with it. I ended up finding her on facebook, but i was so scared to add her for soo long, because i stalked her, and she had blossomed sooo beautifully, like, i would show people and say “DO YOU REMEMBER HER!! LOOK AT HER NOW!!! HOW PRETTY IS SHE!!!”, eventually i added her, but we didnt talk until she saw some of my cosplay photos, and we rekindled after that, and she has been a big part of my life since. The thing i am most thankful of, and will never forget it is that when Nathan was struggling on trying to find a job, and Jerin, without any other thought, came over and helped him re-write his resume and helped him with interview questions, it was so selfless, it did not benefit her in any way or form, and i wasnt even there? and when i asked her, she simply just said, “i knew you needed it”. Buts its those little things like that that i am so thankful of.

Annie, I met her when she was about 15? and she had such an intimidating vibe to her, but she was always nice and open, and always talked to me. But it wasnt until Dave and i broke up that she and i connected properly. She had gone through the same thing, and asked me if i wanted to join her on her trip to get away from it all, but at the time, i think i was already okay, i had already moved on with Nathan. but i went along because woo holiday!! but, they do say that holidays either make or break relationships, and i believe that that little trip changed the dynamic of our friendship in such a positive way. It was really nice to have someone walk with me through life, knowing what I’ve experienced, having been there herself, together we were able to get through to the other side alive.

Kim, I always admired how sweet she was, the way her mind works. when i met her till now, when i ask the same questions to her and to other people, her responses would always surprise me, because i had this belief that people were all assholes, then there was her, who no matter the circumstances, was always trying to think of the positives towards each situation she was in, or hypothetically in. it was a reminder that not everybody were assholes, and mainly that i was just hanging with the wrong people, that i needed more people like her in my life, and now i am surrounded by them. Kim has always put others before her selves, the type of person who would buy somebody a new dress for their birthday, while wearing something that was old and tattered, but doesnt even see how wonderful she really is, that those small things she does selflessly is so special. but thats why i love her.

Anya and i started off being friends because we shared similar interests, but as the years went on, and things change within the both of us and we become people completely opposite to each other, the thing that didnt change was the mutual friendship & love we have for each other. I admire everything shes done to be where she is today, she has accomplished so much, and proves that women can be anything they want to be, shes so strong willed, and firm, and its really nice to see someone who knows exactly what they want, and not just knowing, but getting it too. When Dave and i broke up, she came by to check up on me, she brought me food, vitamins and anything she knew would help me feel better, when i was broke, she didnt hesitate to take me out and pay for my meals without questioning when i could pay her back, i tell everybody that she has a sweet spot for me.

Debbi and i weren’t friends in high school, I stereotyped her as one of those “popular mean girls” but i was soooo wrong. I actually cant remember how we started talking again, but we did, and i was absolutely wrong about her, she is not the perfect person i thought she was in high school, she was flawed, and it humanized her for me, it made me understand that i shouldn’t fit people into labels, that i shouldn’t judge someone negatively because i thought they had everything. And i was so wrong to judge her for all that i did, but i am so glad to be able to see this side of her that everybody close to her gets to see. now, shes someone i can go to for advise, she is so wise and strong, and at the same time, she is super nice too. Her and her family makes me feel like i have family here in Australia, because for such a long time, i always thought that our family was alone.

Hairly and i became friends so randomly too. Kerrie and her had stopped being friends, and one day, Hairly pops up in my chats explaining to me what happened between their friendship, it took me by surprise but it was it was such a great start to something greater. I’ve gotten to know her and her family throughout the years and im so happy to have them all in my life. Hairly and i always related with the fact that we came from families that werent well off, and just watching the hard work shes put into everything shes done because of that; made me so proud to know her. she was working full time, studying online full time, has her own cakepop business, as well as maintaining a good family and relationship all at the same time, shes just such a trooper. Her mum buys me little gifts from overseas whenever she goes and it makes me feel so special, because i didnt expect them, but they too feel like family to me 🙂 We’ve been through every milestones together.

Beryl and i have an 8 year age gap, but any time im with her, i never think of that gap, i never see myself as that much older than she is. When she was younger, like much much younger, i didnt like her cause one time i was over her place, she was teasing me and another girl i was with lol. so i had such a weird impression of her, but she came over to help make some cake pops once, and our friendship blossomed since. Watching her go through her live and her struggles makes me wish i had friends like her when i was her age, she is so mature and so silly at the same time, she puts a smile on anyone faces, and is so understanding as well.

Gillian, my first wife, we got married in high school, i remember when i was depressed and wanted to kill myself, i would call her and she would be on the phone with me, even though none of us were talking, just knowing she was there. Whenever i had something i needed someone to listen to, i would talk to her, or email her, telling her how my life is going even though i knew it wasnt something she believed in. I think one of the biggest moments was when i told her that i couldnt handle it anymore, and that i was thinking about going back on anti-depressants, and she told me that together, we will try to find a way where i wouldnt need to do that, and i thought about it for a while, thinking that if she believes i can do it then i can believe that too. Everytime i had asked her for advise on anything, she gives me something i hadnt thought about before, and at the beginning, i never really believed or understood what she was telling me, but when i open my mind to it, i realised the warmth in her answers, in how she lives her life and thats the person i want to be like.

Neaw, She is so sweet and wonderful, we’d use to walk to Cabramatta together, after rock climbing or playing badminton, and have vegetarian food. I’m not sure what to say about her that isnt what the other girls are like too, she is so nice, so generous, and selfless. I think the thing that was different was that after Dave and i broke up, i asked her if she could check up on Dave and see that he was okay, and she did. That she doesnt judge a person from their mistakes, or take sides when they arent bad people. Shes has always been so thoughtful and just saying shes “nice” is an understatement, Shes sooo nice, and i always feel like im being spoiled by her. Im so happy we got to have the friendship we did, and i miss working with her heaps.

Jess, I only got to really know her this year, but regardless of that, i knew already how amazing she was. She had accomplished so much on her own, the type of person you see where you think “how the hell did she do it!?”. She is proof that you can do it all, be a mum, maintain a hot bod, have a great relationship, study and work as a corporate women, now she also has a house to her name and shes younger than me! She didnt let anything put her down, or stop her from where she wanted to be, she didnt let the negativity from her past ruin her or become a bad person. I know i havnet been able to know more of her yet, but we’ve got the rest of our lives to talk about everything 🙂 what i do know of her is enough to know i love her and everything shes done for me.

Lana is my everything. She is my little sister, my best friend, my daughter. I was always so over-protective of her, and so stubborn to the thought that she was growing up regardless of me helping her through it or not, it was such a hard concept to get a grasp of because i was there buying her birthday cakes when she was younger, taking her and ajay out to the city because they had never been, and taking her overseas, and all those things, but now, she can do everything on her own, and it took me such a long time to be able to take a step back, and admire what she has accomplished and how brilliant she is. Lana is probably the person that knows me better than anyone else knows me. One time, i was talking to her about my imaginary character Nina and Matt, And i asked her “if they could be animals, what animals would they be?” and i typed my answer up anyways cause i never let people finish, but she beat me to it, and answered the exact same answer i wrote. She knew what the spirit animal to my fake characters were going to be, like, thats how well she knows me. She is my other half and one of the best things thats ever happened to me.

That was a little overwhelming to write, I’m just so happy to have these people in my life, to watch their stories, to see their happiness, and be there when they arent.. im just so happy that not only did i find and marry such a wonderful guy, but that i was able to celebrate that day with everybody i love, because to me, my wedding wasnt about just me and the person i was going to marry, it was about the people who had gotten me to that point that i was going to marry someone.

These people have always seen the best in me, especially when i couldnt see it in myself, and they believe i could be better than i thought i ever could.

i had a few other people in my bridal party that didnt end up being there. but im still happy regardless 🙂

Dresses total: $1,794.49AUS for 22 dresses including shipping, shipping was like $300.

so it ended up being $81.50 per dress, which is not too shabby.

i ended up necklaces cause i didnt want to make them again. $28 for 20, and a bunch of hairclips on ebay, but cause ebay doesnt keep records after a few months, lets say the total for that was about $60, i know i didnt spend too much though. i also bought wrist corsages while i was with Dave, which was $67 for 17


Thinking of a theme was hard, Thinking of the location for us was pretty hard because Nathan is from a different state, and i dont give many shits about where im getting married, With Dave i wanted the ceremony at a local park cause it was nice enough, and cheaper. With Nathan, i literally didnt know. cause i didnt care where we got married. It wasnt until Kimmy posted up photos of a wedding she went to at Auburn botanical gardens that i knew i wanted to have it there.

(Kim Chau’s photos)

For the reception, well, my mum was soo fussy, saying that her friends care where we had it, so i had to follow what she wanted. We ended up with the “International restaurant” in Canley vale because everywhere else was booked out already, and we booked a year in advance. But it was okay, because our friend Hang had a wedding there and it was pretty nice anyways.

Ceremony – Aurburn: $1243
Reception – International: $860 per table of 10 people. 25 tables.

And for the tea ceremony, i wanted to renovate the house so it would be at least a bit presentable, and we did quite well actually.

Renovations = $1732


I went to look at a few flower places with Neaw and Jerin separately when they were planning their weddings, the places i really liked were the fake flowers. When i was younger, i hated the concept of flowers because they died, it was a waste of money, but i can appreciate their beauty now, but i still do believe in versatility and keep sake. So i wanted something i could keep, but also something i could use if i needed to for our photography business.

So i decided to make my own bouquets.

My bouquets = $80 (estimate)
Lana and Ajays = $12 each
All the other flowers = $200 including the flowers for the flower crown.

Decorator & Music.

I’ll squeesh in all the things that were recommended to us by friends.

Decorator, Jerin suggested going with a decorator that specialises in Indian weddings because they will do a big job for a small cost. And its true, what we ended up getting was quite cheap. I ordered for the ceremony, 35 Tiffany chairs, two flowerballs and urns, a red runner carpet, a cherry blossom arch, and an easel.

Everything was perfect besides the easel, it came late and too short.

Too short! Cant selfie!!! 😦

and for the reception, i got a cherry blossom tree and a love seat.

The tree was much much bigger than i thought it would be, which was awesome. and the seat was just right.

i might make this into a few different posts. cause man its hella long already.
To be continued.

One more month to go.

A lot has been happening, and at the same time, not that much.

Today Nathan is in Brisbane having his bux with his guy friends, so it’d be the first time since he moved down here that i’ll be sleeping in my bed alone, i shouldnt complain though because I’ve left him to travel for longer so many times before, plus, its only one night, i might actually get really really good sleep tonight, cold… but good.

As it gets closer and closer to our wedding date, i get more excited.. well, not excited that i get to wear a white dress and people would be focusing on me, nooo.. that part actually scares the shit out of me, but i guess, happy because i will be starting a new chapter with someone very special to me, and i’ll be surrounded by all the people that matter to me.

I am in a really good place when it comes to my relationship with Nathan, we do argue here and there.. but even before, during and after our little fights, i still know that i want to marry him. I am just so at ease… and i know that i have nothing to worry about when it comes to him.

i even had to get his friend Seth, to try to take Nathan to a strip club tonight, hahaha. Nathan and one of his best friends Tommy are such pussys! They would both use to talk about girls as if they were the hottest things ever, and then when they get a girlfriend, they become boring prudes that dont ever want to step into a stripclub or even look at another girl… Man, i should not be complaining about that hahaa.
But because i know they are really good guys, i know they wouldnt do anything to hurt anyone…

thats why its so much fun to egg them both into doing stupid shit. =D

Tonight i am at home, just finished a lasagna and now blogging a little bit before i go to sleep early and dream about that hot guy from that show i like.

i told my bridesmaids that i didnt want a bridal shower, or a hens night or anything like that.

Most of them insist in doing something, even as a small group. but i dont want to do anything to celebrate.

If it were me back a few years ago, i would probably be celebrating my Hens night at a female strip club with my guy friends touching all sorts of female body parts and getting completely drunk ass wasted.

But that isnt who i am now, although that does still sound like a fun idea. Actually.. i’m in heat, anything sexual sounds like a fun idea.

nah, i actually dont want to do anything for hens, cause its too overwhelming. i am defiantly not the person i use to be, and that much attention on just me makes me feel uneasy. plus, there is just sooo many people that i want to go and have fun that i wouldnt know what to do that everyone would enjoy, everyones just so different… so completely different.
I go out to have drinks with one group of girls, go get vegetarian with another, and go to anime conventions with others.. like, everyones just sooo different.

plus, i am currently sick!!

not that badly sick, just a little bit sick. but the last few times i got sick, i got really sick, so im just really cautious. I had the whopping cough for a new months last year, and it was horrible. i couldnt sleep because i couldnt stop coughing, and i was coughing to the point that i couldnt breath, and i was throwing up each time.

was a fantastic way to spend a holiday.

man, i keep getting distracted. im going back and forth from two different blogs, editing photos, and now playing with snapchat filters… ahhh.. i think i need more sleep, and something to entertain myself.

Anyways. i should sleep.
Or anything else. haha


3 more months to go.

The past couple of days have been very very overwhelming. to the point that i havent been able to sleep at night, i stay awake trying to distract myself, and when im up during the day, i am completely unmotivated.

It really really sucks.

Our house was rocked with a massive mental earthquake, And its been a bit tough trying to wrap our heads around everything. And i want to talk about it more, but i dont think i should. it just makes me want to be immersed into my little world i had created for myself as much as i can be, and i guess thats just not a good sign seeing as its my way to escape from whatever is going on in the real world.

But i will continue with the timeline of everything’s that’s happened so far this year.

i left off after Nathans birthday and his dads drama which hasn’t completely been resolved, but i got them both to talk to each other like adults, and that has been such a wonderful start.

Madalena, Tina and Kristy all had their babies. I have already visited Maddalena, and Tina.

Tinas birth was quite difficult, and so many things had gone wrong. but its a story to remember, and Arthur is just a mini Daryl.

I had a few photoshoots. and decided to do a series of portraits!! which i am so happy about.


So i wrote that about a month ago now and i havent come back to finish it off yet. And quite a bit of small things have happened since.

My family have been having a bit of problems, and it sucks because there is so much going on already that its just a bit tough to handle. Nathan and i have the wedding coming up so soon, and we’re thrown into all this mess. But we’re taking it as it comes, and its more simple that way.. i guess we’re just kind of ignoring all the consequences of delaying everything for now.

the other thing thats happened is that summer is over! and well.. this is the time where i turn into a hermit and get super depressed and super sad for no reason.

it is defiantly the weather.. I find that i cant concentrate as well, i cant count, i get think, i cant sleep, i cant get up.. i just cant do anything properly. i find myself making more mistakes at work. like, in the summer, i was fine, i worked well, i shined as brightly as the sun did. but now, i cant even tell people their totals right. i have been telling everyone their total wrong, and they look at me like “WHAT?! ITS $100!!!” and im like “Oh oops! i mean $30”

i can not function at all.

then when the cute guy walks past. i fuck up even more!!!!!!! last time, he came up to me so he could buy a drink, and i got distracted and short changed the lady i just served.. and i felt so bad because i got so nervous! *sigh*

Having a crush is fun.

But i do love Nathan, to bits.

We started watching ERASED. and i was so mindfucked after one episode.

i couldnt sleep for 2 days straight. i just kept thinking and thinking about everything.

In the anime, the guy goes back in time, and becomes himself when he was 10. and i thought about what would happen is i turned 10 again, knowing what i know now.

and i just couldn’t sleep thinking about all the possibilities, and what i would do.. All the things i would do…

HERES WHAT I WOULD DO!! i had to think about this.. i always thought it was stupid when people were planning a zombie apocalypses and went into full detail about it. but now i know how they feel about being prepared mentally when something unrealistic were to ever happen.

So, knowing what i know now, being who i am now. but in my 1o year old body and living my life as i was when i was 10.

i would tell my parents to find a better job back then. i would tell them to work harder on learning English, and teaching my brother and i more Vietnamese.
I would not bother being friends with the people i didn’t need to be, but love Gillian and Tina more during our high school years.
i wouldn’t date Dave, not that there was anything too bad about our relationship, but i wouldn’t do it again.
I would know what i would do with Dale, because i could date him and get more evidence about the whole pedo thing…
And i defiantly don’t know what i would do with Daniel, because that’s how i met Nathan.
I would tell my parents to invest in me, and buy me a better camera when i was 15 or so. and start my own business then.
I would tell my parents not to renovate our house, and just wait until we had enough money to rebuild instead.
I would take care of my brother better, and try to guide him into something he is more passionate about. Same with Ajay and Lana, i would try to be there for them more than i was.
Then theres all the other things like, Maybe find a way to make instagram before instagram happened. Be the ones that set fashion trends before they even knew it because i know whats going to come out when. lolol. Maybe get a career in fashion??

But what made me so paranoid was that i would need to find a way to meet Nathan again..

i kept thinking about maybe just going to meet him and all of Daniels friends as soon as i could, and tell Nathan that i was going to marry him one day! and he that crazy psycho. i wanted to tell him to move in with me earlier, even if we weren’t together, so that he can have a better life for himself, have a family that loves him so he could accomplish more faster, and be the person he wished to be.

Anyways, out of all that crazy thinking i had.. because it was 2 days of paranoia, i realised that if i knew what i knew, doing all that all over again, and maybe being able to dominate the world…

i would still go and find Nathan so i can be with him.

Even if i had the chance of finding the cute guy at work before he met his now wife. lolol

i still want Nathan.

Thats love.

anyways, so i couldnt sleep for 2 days. and i kept rolling around in bed, and Nathan would wake up randomly and ask me if i was okay. and i told him, and so he laid there and talked to me about it all… and it makes me happy that he doesnt think im crazy for being obsessive over stupid things like this. that i can be myself, and that he will talk to me about it instead of just telling me to ignore my thoughts and push it aside.

But i am over those thoughts for now. we still have 10 episodes to go though.. so i might start overthinking again soon.

But! on a super bright note.

So Nathans got a job last year in May at Cash converters. He had unemployed for a few months, and he has been getting desperate. My family is like this with whoever stays over, but my mum usually says that if you need a place to stay, and don’t have a job, then you do what you can do around the house and don’t worry about money until you get a job. then you can pay us back then.

I like that thought because it means you dont need to go out and scrap as much money as you can to pay rent. Like, before when Nathan was staying with his dad, he was paying board/rent, so he wasnt able to quit his shitty job to go for something better. Not that you cant find a job while having a job, But priorities are completely different, He was more stressed about getting money to pay his dad, plus everything else in life, than trying to get a better job.
So when he was unemployed, all he did was try to find a job. and it got to a point that he was just going to give up and go back to Woolworth, Shitty pay, Shitty hours, and shitty everything. No progression in life.
So the first day of him going back to Woolworth, he got a call saying he had gotten a job at cash converters. And we were both so happy. Sure, it wasnt the best thing in the world. but it was just one step towards something better.

And i always told him to be patient.

So at the moment, he currently hates his job at cash converters hahaha. But because people dont see his full potential, and under mind him because he is “New”. He doesnt get the same respect as he other people who have been there longer but do less work. And usually, i dont really believe when my partners come home telling me that they are such hard workers, and blah blah blah, But i believe Nathan because he does work hard at home too helping me and my mum out.
And so he had been looking for a new job, and i do see him working hard trying to find a new job too, applying whenever he can, hearing him take phone interviews, and getting dressed and going for interviews in person. My mum told him to pray before heading out to any interviews too.
And all the jobs he had told me he had interviewed for, it never sounded right, like, it was a good enough job, but something that would only be another small step..

So i told him, “If you dont get this job, it means the job was not meant for you anyways. and something better WILL come along”

And it did!

Nathan went for an interview yesterday, and got a call today telling him that they will take him on 🙂

And it is a job he was defiantly interested in, not just applying for the sake of getting out of his current job.

So we have a lot to celebrate.

I couldnt be any happier for him. I have high hopes in him, and i am so glad that he does see potential in himself too, and know that he can and will accomplish amazing things. It is something i defiantly admire about him, So many people give up when it gets tough. but he just keeps getting back up, with a smile and going out there.

Here i am in bed dying because i cant comprehend the fact that i am not going to become 10 and rule the world.

I am very lucky to have him.

Nathans Dad and step mum came to visit us as well, and meet my parents. That was pretty good.
After everything thats happened between Nathan and his dad, its really nice to see him just being good towards each other. I think its what they both need.

ANYWAYS! enough of my rambling.

There is now 2 months before the wedding. And i am so friking excited. I cant wait to be married to him.

Already half way through January

I have gotten up to quite a lot since i last blogged, and that wasnt even that long ago.

It is currently January.. which is obvious.. but January to me is broke month. it the month just after Christmas, so not only are we spending money buying presents for everyone, or well.. try to buy presents for people… but we’re broke trying to see everybody before the year ends or just after the new year when people aren’t crazy busy organising to be with their family over the Christmas break.

January is also the month where Nathan and i think “oh fuck. its only 4 months till the wedding…… Time to get doing shit”

So i have to back track a little because i’ve delayed this blog by quite a bit now.

So on the 28th, i wasnt able to see Albert. which sucked, but what can we do, we all live busy busy lives now and it doesnt bother me.

Most of my friends, i dont see them as often as i’d like, but when i do see them, theres always such an amazing connection, and i always have a wonderful time being with them. and that that is all i need.. knowing that they are still in my life, knowing that when we do see each other, we have a blast, and that they are okay and that we are okay 🙂

the few days leading to the new years had been busy at work, which was awesome fun. it gives me a chance to see the cute guy at work i totally fancy..
i had been telling Nathan for months that i find one of the guys at work super cute. And nathan hadnt seen him before, and so on new years eve, when he came to pick me up from work, he ended up seeing the guy i was talking about, and asked me later “the guy you think is cute was working today right??” to which i said “YES! WHY!!! DID YOU SEE HIM???” lol. and he responded “i understand why you think his cute now…”

let me just clarify. When i crush on people, im just crushing on the superficial side of them that i would looooveee to photograph or draw. This guy (to me.. and i guess Nathan…) Is good looking! His tall, nice body, nice facial features and a lovely jawline… i would LOVE to photograph him.
i mean, i have soo much fun photographing Steve.


So i cant remember much of a lot of other stuff. But on the 30th, Kyleen held a Birthday party for Jiselle at the local bowling club, Jiselle and her friends all went bowling.. and it was so cute… and it made me so depressed because i want my own monkey i can watch bowl. ahh. so depressed.


i ended up telling Brittaney at work the next day that my goal for next year is to conceive.

After work on the 31st, the eve to the new year, After Nathan S and i finished work, my Nathan drove us all down to stanwell park to meet up with steve and his buddies for a little get together for new years.

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We didnt do too much. We ran around the beach a little, had a BBQ, sat around singing with Jess who played the guitar. then celebrated the new years and went home.

I dont think i want to do anything big anymore for new years. im just so over it.

On the 1st and 2nd, Nathan and i spent our time cleaning up and painting the wedding invitations.

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i got rid of all my photo albums…. there are sooo many photos in that bag..

but i kept some of the ones that made me really happy. the rest are all on digital copy.

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I wanted a gold touch for our invitations, make it look less flat since its just a card compared to one that opens, or has cut outs, or comes in fancy packaging or what not.


On the 4th, i had Lunch with Scott, and Kimmy came over to drop off the photos she took of us the month before =D i am soo in love! i ended up getting some printed.

Scott stayed the night at our place because he needed a place to stay while he was moving.

On the 6th, i went to work, came home, told Scott to stay another night so my mum can cook for him, and then got dressed for Neaw and Reagans wedding and left for that.

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My mum asked me if i was going to fit into the Thai dress since i had gained weight, i told her that i would, and she laughed at me.

i came back home and got dressed again to go to Kyleens birthday dinner at Top Ryde.

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Then after dinner, rushed back to the area to head to Claudias birthday party…


That was one intense fucking day..

We didnt go home until 1am.. and there was so much drama there too that really pushed my buttons.

but other than that, i had suchhh an amazing day.

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The day after was Neaw and Reagans Wedding!!!!!!!!!!

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Which was also lots and lots of fun.

i dont dance.. like.. there is a 0.1 % chance i would ever dance. But i did, and it was heaps of fun, and i wasnt even drunk, or i didnt even drink at all.. i was just around the people that made me so happy.

And the day after that… i had work.. a long shift too. x_x

on the 9th, i cant remember what i was doing in the day time…


I think i got our photo printed then..

then headed to Straithfield to have dinner with Albert and Lana since i havent been able to see them in a while.

It was so nice to catch up with them again.. So much has happened.. and we have been through so much together… i’ve known Albert since i was 15, and lana since i was 8.. and they’ve been around through everything, they know everything about me and the people around me, and when we catch up, we see the world pass beside us, that some things so dramatically, but at the same time, some things just stay perfectly the same.

On the 10th, Nathan had the day off, and after i finished work, we headed to my work place for our very very late Christmas party.

I love where i work, for sooo many little reasons. I work with such sweet people… and i mean it.. they are so sweet! they took me in with open arms, and they are just so friendly and nice..
My managers and supervisors are not only my bffs, but they are just so great at what they do. They give us proper breaks at the right time.. and i know that sounds like such a small thing.. but it makes a big difference. Nathan barely gets breaks when its busy, because everyone at his work is in it for themselves.The bosses are Funny and very lovely too. and everyone just works so well together.
And! the customers are so sweet! i mean, not everyone, and not always. If you go with the concept of “one bad person can ruin your day” then you should also consider “all the good people that make your day”
And thats usually the case when i work, I smile and be happy, and most of the time people tell me “Thats a lovely smile you have!” to which i tell them “Well, if i smile, then hopefully it makes you smile too” and then they do.

and i think the best part of my job is that its so flexible. Because now i actually can focus on my photography job too.

The christmas party was full of gifts, because we had to do a secret santa, and there are quite a lot of people at my work place, so that took a while. The best gift was when the boss, the owner.. bougth Brit a back support strap because she just got breast implants, and he was joking about her needed the back support.

That sounds sooooooooooooooo bad…. like sexual harassment… but it wasnt. Britt and Dom are like family. and everyone just laughed until they cried when they saw her open the gifts.

We then had some awards, kind of like what they do in highschool. The most caring, the most helpful, the loudest, the one whos most likely to be a murderer. lol

Then everyone drank, sang karaoke and Eashan and Nathan tried to Wingman Courtney. but it didnt work cause MORE DRAMA… yay…

The 11th, i had the day off, but i took J to the hospital to get her baby checked up, and it was the first time i heard a babys heartbeat through those machines.. i kept thinking that “oh wow… my interracial lesbian lover is having our baby!!!”
Because our inside joke was that we’re interracial lesbian lovers. lol. Because i do things like this with her, go to appointments to hear a babies heartbeat. lol

After that, Courtney, Brittaney and i went to Costco. then had dinner with Nathan at a Vietnamese place because we want Brit to try ethnic foods.

The 12th was Nathans birthday, and we both had to work. I stayed back at work a little to talk to the cute guy from work….. still pretty fucking cute to me. Then bought some milkshakes for Nikola and i while i waited for Brit and Courtney to finish work to get some burgers. Nathan and i then went to the shops together afterwards and came home to watch a movie and eat some ice cream cake.


the 14th was Nathans BBQ party.

I had just bought a new BBQ grill to cook meat with cause the one we have at home is… terrible. and on the day of the party, my mum, Nathan and i decided to go shopping for a fridge. Good timing though because we really needed a new one. but bad timing because Brit came over early and got there before we got there…

But she helped me cut fruit and cook the meat =D

everyone else slowly started coming over. and it was a fun night.

I am really happy.. and Nathan is overwhelmed with happiness.

Nathan didnt grow up with this much love.. and there they all where, at my place to celebrate with him.. someone they had just met not too long ago. I constantly tell Nathan that my life is full of love, that i am surrounded by loving and caring people.. and now he is too.. and im so happy that he gets to have that too.

it really has made him a better person too.

the party ended late. and i ended up getting to bed at 2am. then up at 8am for work.

long shift too. it was a nightmare. but like i said before. i love my job.

After work, we visited Madalena because she had given birth the day before!!! =D and we went home and talked about life and love.


Nathan was told by his dad to invite his step sister and step brother. And we just dont want to invite them. We ended up talking to Debbi about it. And she is just so amazing, i swear.


it blows my mind so much when i find people who werent loved as a child, who doesnt have love around them.. because no matter how different my friends are to me, our career choices, our path in life, our views and our belief system.. the thing that made us similar, not all of my friends, but most.. is that we are surrounded by love. Most of my parents grew up with so much love.. maybe from a broken family.. but still with so much love.

so to see someone who never knew that. it just throws me off.

i just dont understand how any parent cant love their child first, and put themselves before their own children. ahh.. but thats for another day.

Today, nathan and i slept in. then had Yum cha with my dad.. then did errands for the rest of the day.

Now its 1am, and i have a chocolate cake in front of me. and i need a shower.


The end of 2016

Its that time of the year again where we all start thinking “oh gee, that year went fast”

I love to recap my year every year.. and look back on them every time i write a recap blog on my previous years.. haha

end of 2015 -> https://chapter2020x.wordpress.com/2015/12/31/the-end-of-2015/

end of 2014 -> https://chapter2020x.wordpress.com/2015/01/02/end-of-2014-in-2015/

end of 2012 -> http://the-nat-file.blogspot.com.au/2012/12/my-2012.html

end of 2011 -> http://the-nat-file.blogspot.com.au/2011/12/what-2011-has-brought-us.html

end of 2010 -> http://the-nat-file.blogspot.com.au/2010/12/one-night-left-before-year-is.html

Ah. that was an embarrassing blast from the past. i dont have a blog post for 2013, but i think i might have put it on facebook or something instead?

it doesnt even matter though.


This year has been quite different for me.

This year hasnt really been about figuring out who i am, who i want to be and understanding others. I think, along the way this year, i just got fed up with helping others, i dont want to understand people anymore, because sometimes, you can do so much to help someone out, just for them to throw it all away.

and yess. that has happened to me so many times. and i know not to bother with people like that anymore. and i know not to help people that arent worth my time.

but i think what pushed me this year, was that i just wanted to do something for myself.

and i did. this year has been a wonderful year. it just feels different because i dont feel like the person i was, the one that jumped at every opportunity to help some else out.


I am proud of myself this year. i feel like i got a lot done even though i didnt accomplish everything on my new years resolution, or on my to do list.

So lets re-cap on whats happened this year.

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Went to vietnam with my mumma. Nathan got bored at home so he tagged along half way through the trip.


walked the mardi gras again this year.


Finally got glasses. Now to remember to wear them when i need them.


Went to Melbourne with this chicka.

Bought a new car.


Had a mini getaway at the blue mountains.

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Made a business! i know i started one before, but i never made an ABN before. but now we finally have one, with bank accounts and a website and all that junk.


Updated our camera!

This sounds like such a small thing because we have cameras and camera gear. but we finally have two full sized, full frame cameras, and great L lens that we can finally shoot weddings! =)

it means i dont need to turn down jobs!!


Finally found the rock i’ve been looking for for yearrrrssssssssss……. YEARS


We decided to get married.


But we got engaged instead.

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Got to do some INCREDIBLE shoots!!! You have no idea how much i enjoyed these moments.


I also modeled a boudior shoot, and a nude shoot. Both amazing experiences too.. which i still haven’t blogged about.



Long story short.

We been friends since year 10. 2005… and we finally met now.


We visited Brisbane. =D

Nathan and i both got a job.



i think thats it.

Now to new years resolutions.

I did pretty well with my new years resolutions from last year.

So for next year.

  • i want to read more again.
  • pick up more photography jobs next year, and focus on that.
  • Be nicer to Nathan
  • Be more aware of other peoples feelings. stop letting pms ruin my life.

to be honest.  i dont know if i have many goals for next year aside from being the best me i can be.

i dont need to figure myself out, i already have..

i guess there are small things i should do, like let go of the little things that bug me.

anyways. i should get to sleeeeep.

Merry Christmas!

It sounds like every week now i’ve been saying that the past week has been hectic.

But it has been! i swear… to the point that i cant even remember what i have been getting up to.

i know i have been workingggg like crazy. which has been fantastic, every day has been super busy, and everyone is so lovely, and jolly, and stressed. but its good because then i could say a lame joke and try to brighten their day just by a bit.

Nathan and i had dinner with Bezza, Long, Courtney, Jamie and Rach on the 22nd. then asked bez and long if they wanted to go and raid Kmart with us that night too. and so we did.

the night after on the 23rd, after work, Nathan and i went to Parramatta’s  all night shopping with my mum. We got there early, and left early. but was still there for 3 hours.


ended up suit shopping and buying a suit for Nathan.

NOT THIS ONE! but i thought i’d get him to try to anyways.

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On the eve of christmas, after a short wonderful work shift where we got chocolates from our boss, and gave them presents as well. We set off to see Steve and Nathan.

We went to strathfield to have Korean BBQ. it was pretty amazing KBBQ. i told scott that i stunk, that my hair smells, my clothes smell, and my farts smell.. lol, and he said thats when you know it was really good KBBQ.

there were heaps of stupid photos!! but the guys havent sent them to me yet..

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Christmas day was spent at Tinas place again this year. It felt like a year since we were over there for Christmas.. hahah…

it was just full of family, food and fun.


Boxing day was spent “cleaning” my room…

it was more clean before i started. but by cleaning,  i meant that i was sorting through everything i had, getting rid of everything i dont need, and putting away into storage everything i dont use for now. but i think i might get rid of more things.. i feel like in years to come, when i keep things i use to love, that one day, i wouldnt love it as much as i did.

sides matt stuff. i’ll always love him.

a lot of things i have are brand new..


This, is ALL MY MAKE UP!

i was going through them because during the Christmas party, Dani was so curious about Tinas make up, so i thought i’d go through mine, cause i know some of them are barely used, and filled a whole bag of things just for her.

its because when i went to japan, i stocked up on a lot of things that weren’t as necessary, and didnt stock up on things that were >=( (MAKE UP WIPES!!!)

also, because my friends buy me a lot of gifts..

but this is why i tell people not to buy me anything anymore 😦

i literally dont need anything…

this is going to sound so terrible. but i have a box full of gifts that i have not touched because i just either dont use them (like perfumes and smelly stuff) or i havent finished what i do use to get to them.. OR! that since i’ve switched to vegan brands for a lot of products, i dont actually use a lot of normal/mainstream products.

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I also finally went through the photos on my camera. About time..

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I also ordered a few more thigns for our business, including new business cards (because i didnt like the last ones i made..)
and some USB


Because im running out =)

i also got some 32gig usb made for Nathan and I. i normally have a usb on me all the time in case i needed to transfer something or blah blah blah. its just really handy.


on the 27th, yesterday..

Nathan and i had three photoshoots.

In the morning i did a maternity shoot for Madalena and Andrew. We went to Auburn Botanical Gardens. But because we didnt have a booking, we got kicked out sorta. I knew that they had rules and stuff for auburn, but the last time i looked it up, if it was low impact photography, it was fine..

We ended up sneaking in some photos anyways and went off to the park just beside it.

After that we went over to Tinas place and got them ready for a maternity shoot too.

Then after that, Nathan and i dropped off some photos we did the week after. then rested at home a little, took my mum to coles to buy 2$ worth of minced meat.. she ended up getting 4$ worth and was complaining about it because she got just little meat for 4$.. lol it was like a fist full..

then went over to Kristy’s place for another maternity shoot.

yes.. everybody is pregnant… woo..

But it was a good experience for Nathan and i. because all couples were different.

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And after that! we went to have dinner with Hairly, Jay and Lise.

i was so pooped out by the end of the day.


i realise now that im typing this that it hasnt been that long.. not even a weeks worth of events.. but gosshhhhhhhhh.. i swear we have done so much in the past week.. and its still only continuing, because i finally get to see Albert tonight!! i haven’t seen him in a year!

Anwyays, im going to eat, get ready for work, and MAYBE try to clean my room just a little more.

5 Days til Christmas

What an eventful past couple of weeks.


The spare room is offically done!!! i can not be any happier. asides from the fact that before we did the room, my mum bought brown blinds for the room….. the room is now completely white…. so………….. yeah….. very misplaced.


the bed doesnt fit in it the way it should, but it still fits, and behind the bed is my giant pink rug. so it would be a bit of a hassle moving the bed out just to get the rug when i want to use it for photoshoots. but i guess its a complication i can live with. my lighting gear are all in there too =D very happy chappy.


This is my room. This glorious pigs hole is my room.

its pink, its messy, i havent changed the curtains even though i said i would when i first painted the room pink. its a big big big mess because i have way too much stuff.


i slowly emptied it after i finished work for the day. and it was just so nice sleeping on the group of that empty room with Nathan. We had amazing sleeps those two nights we were there.

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The room got emptied completely, and we had to sleep on the floor of the spare room, and it was alright.. it reminds me of those small little hotel rooms you can find in japan. the ones that have little to no room at all. But we were only here for two nights until Nathan and i went away to Jervis Bay!

Soo what happened at the beginning of that week was,

i commented on my friends facebook photo.

and he private messaged me, telling me that he had been having a lot of trouble at home. So i invited him over, and we stayed talking about his problems, and playing board games.
it was an emotionally draining night. i felt so sad for him and his situation, and Nathan and i spent the night talking about the whole situation in bed.

The day after, my friend Nathan messages me, asking if he could call me.
so i he ended up calling me while i was having my 10min break at work.
and said “what happened to you.. happened to me”
and i just went “OHHHHH!!!!!!” out loud… at work… while my co-workers were sitting beside me.
i chatted with him for a bit, then planned to see him when we had both finished work.
On our little dinner date, We said that we will do something incredible for his birthday.

so thats why we ended up going to Jervis bay.


But before that.

On the friday after work, i had a hens night to go to, but i couldn’t make it.
My parents are so eager to finish the house, because its so cluttered at the moment, so when i finished work, that’s all i did. we moved the furniture out of the room, pulled down the cornice, sanded the walls, covered the walls with filler, put up the cornice, then started painting when everything was ready.

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it was so hard to cut the cornice. I had to ask the guys at bunnings for advise, and he said “there is no actual easy way to cut cornice”. So i asked seth, and he couldnt explain it to me because he is in brissy, and he also uses a drop saw to cut it. Googling and youtubing ways wasnt as simple as well. and i ended up cutting one of the cornice wrong. but we still managed to finish it in a day.

i wasnt trying to spell cunt.. i was trying to spell my dogs name.

The day after was spent painting the room with extra layers instead of Mitsuri plans, and then going over to Quines place to help her with her party.

it was an enjoyable night.

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We came home later than we liked. but it was still an amazing night. probably why we didnt want to leave in the first place.

the day after, i ended up painting the walls before heading to the city for Maddalena’s baby shower.




Nathan and i spent thursday night making this little gift for her, cause the ones i found at the shops looked so underwhelming.

Anyways. we were then off to our trip after everybody got home from work that sunday.

It was a long two and a half hours there in the rain, we stopped to get KFC, i had no bra on because fuck bras.
when we got there, we saw that there was a spa in one of the bedrooms.. so we took advantage of it.



The next day the storm had cleared. because the storm was MASSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! Nathan made us breakfast and we headed out to the beaches.


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Celebrating his birthday in style 🙂

we brought snorkling gear but it was too windy and choppy to snorkle. we also all got sunburnt that day too, even though we used heaps and reapplied heaps.

we went to four different beaches, Plantation point, Hyams beach, Green patch and moona creek.

then got home, and got ready for a long day at work the next day.

During that week, i set out to make a table, and so i did. I had been going around looking at IKEA and all sorts of places just to find a table that i can add on to the corner table i already had, since i didnt want it to go to waste. but i wanted something that wasnt too long because my room isnt that wide, but i couldnt find anything that i liked, that worked with my room the way i wanted it to and was cheap enough.

so i decided to make one, i’ve gained quite a bit of experiance with some tools this year, i was very keen on trying my luck at making something from scratch. i wouldve done woodwork at school if it didnt clash with any of my other subjects, but it did. so i couldnt do it.


A few holes, miss-drills, and a lot of “dad, stop it, i’ll make it myself” it finally got done.

Of course my dad had to step in for some parts because he didnt believe i could do it without cutting my fingers off, but alas, its done. i didnt want to make drawers, because drawers are harder to make, require more wood, and also.. it wouldnt work with the table i already had. so i wanted to make a little storage where i could leave my pencils and other crafty goods hidden while i wasnt using them.

i am very proud of myself too =D

Table i wanted for a fraction of the price. it only costed me abouttt…. 50-60$??


the bed, tv and all the other drawers are finally in my room, now its just time to clear everything out, and pack everything in.

On the wednesday after, my day off, i went down to campbelltown to photograph food for my friends menu, and buy some presents 🙂 it was a nice trip. the week just poured down rain the next few days after that.

I had planned our engagement shoot with Kimmy on the weekend, she was very excited to do the fashion shoot i wanted with me, and i ended up paying 260$ to use the park i wanted for the day. i was worried that it would rain on saturday because it had been endlessly raining for a couple of days now. the weather here has been so random and predictable lately, i just didnt know what to do or think.

The style of photos i really wanted was inspired by fashion.

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i loved them ever since i saw them. i just love the long elegant bodies, and a long black dress that looked sleek. im just soooo in love with it.

and what i had intended was to have purple hair, but because i dont have long enough hair, or purple hair, i ended up buying a wig instead. but the wig was sooo thick, which is amazing, but it was so hard to work with,  it was so thick that it looked fake! and i couldnt bring myself to cutting some of the wefts off… i didnt even have time to style it neither.

i also wanted a unicorn horn, but people said that was stupid. and well, it was too expensive for me to justify, when im unsure if its going to work or not.

Jerin took my to the doll house to try on dresses, to see which ones would suit me, and which ones i liked.


So with that, i ended up getting a dress online with the money i had gotten for my birthday (thank you my lovely lovely friends)
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But i had a problem with it, even though it does look exactly like the picture, i didnt realised that in the picture, the bust was made wayyyy too high. my boobs arent on my collarbone!!

Brittaney even tried it on, and it was the same for her, i thought it was just me because i have man shoulders.

So i cut it up. but i had to leave it be because life got in the way, and because it was still winter at the time, my hands were frozen from unstitching.
Anyways, so while i was on facebook one day, i see a second hand dress for $30, 10 mins away from my place. so i bought it. i thought with an already finished dress, i could just add a train, and still have the dress of my dreams.

i had it all planned, that i would go to spotlight and cabramatta after  i finished work on friday and buy some lace.
but i had to stay back from work on friday… luckily, spotlight was opened, so i still went, unlucky for me, they didnt have any lace that i wanted.

cabramatta was closed by this point, and the photoshoot was the next day.

so i was digging through the lace i had at home, because i remembered buying some in highschool, and leaving it there till now (highschool was 9-10 years ago)

and found some! too bad it was not enough to make a train.

so i cried to nathan, and didnt know what to do, and cried some more. i was just so tried because i ended up doing a 8 hour shift instead of a 6 hour shift, just to get home, and do renovation stuff, and not have enough time to work on a dress, and get enough sleep.

so i ended up making a new dress. and i told nathan that if i could make this dress well, and it turns out, even though i was sleep deprived, and just fucking tired. that i am allowed to brag about it.


The dress turned out exactly the way i wanted, and i couldnt be any happier.


i ended up finishing it around 4am, and didnt get to bed until 4.30 am, then back up at 6am, to get ready, and leave at 7am to be at the park at 8am.

The shoot was amazing, i am so happy working with kim. she is amazing, and i would love to give her more shoots, and exposure and everything!! =D

nathan also enjoyed himself too. he had been photographed a few times this year, but this was a longer shoot than he had ever done, and he really liked it.

we drove home. and passed the fuck out.


Anyways, here are a few things in that timeline. that i thought i’d add too.

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i wanted to paint and make our wedding invitations… because i wanted to frame them one day, and be like “yes! this was my creation, just for our special day”

But i also had a few problems with that. which was that i didnt like the heart i painted, i liked the N more, but i didnt know what to do with the N..

so i scrapped that idea, because i also dont have a scanner, and i didnt want it to come out looking all patchy again. nor did i have time to borrow someone elses scanner.

so i after going through some invitations online, thinking i would just cave in and buy a premade design.. well, i just couldnt contemplate paying $3+ for them… so i ended up buying some watercolour images on etsy and created my own!


And got them printed. This was also stressing me out, because i wanted these printed and done before i unplugged my computer, since i didnt know when i was going to replug all that again, and well, its 5 months away now! i didnt know how long they would be shipped.

but shipping was fast, i got them pretty quickly, before the computer was even set back up too.

and well, turns out that i have a typo on them, so i have to reprint 70 of them, my parents copy.. ahhhh… lammee..

But its all g. reprints are still cheaper than $3+ invites.

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i also switched to Eco pads!!!

i am very super duper happy about them.

i had already switched to the menstrual cup, but since i stopped taking the pill, my periods have been super duper heavy. it went from not needing to change it more than once a day (i did anyways for hygiene purposes) to having to change it three or more times a day. and it really fucking hurts.

but yeah, so since i’ve been heaps heavy, i havent really been able to go and empty out my cup whenever i wanted, so i leak, and well, i dont leak enough to fill up a pad, and its too much that pantyliners arent effective enough. so i looked up ways to reduce the use of sanity pads.

and here they are. Hannahpads.

Super comfy.

love them. cant wait to have my periods now… sorta.. not really.. why am i a girl..


i got some colourpop lippies =D they gave me a free one cause it was late.

Anyways, thats all i guess.

update soon.

Spring Cleaning

This year, I’ve really let myself go.

I don’t blog, i don’t draw, i don’t paint, i don’t exercise, i don’t read, i don’t eat well, i don’t sleep well, i don’t communicate with my friends as much as i use to… i just don’t do anything anymore.

its kinda of a shame to be honest. i was so proud of myself for doing all these little things.

Reading so i could build my vocabulary and also better my writing and imagination, see a fictional world through someone else imagination. Blogging so i can improve my memory, exercise cause you know.. blubber reasons, and talk to my loved ones, because they are important to me.

i stopped caring.. and i stopped wanting to be the better me.

hopefully this is only temporary and i get everything back on track soon..

but i’ll recap on the little things thats been happening in my life.

I decided, i cant remember how i got to this decision, but i have decided to renovate my house. yay..
i really really dont remember how  i got to that conclusion… but i did.

WAIT. i remember.

i was looking around on Airbnb, hotel websites, motels, apartment, all sorts of places you could look at to rent a room, because i really wanted to shoot boudoir shots.
i had done one recently with steve, and i just loved the idea so much, and its a step into one of my dream jobs.. so i wanted to sample it out more and make it happen.
well, i had not found many places here in Sydney that was worth my money and time. Most places check in at 3pm, and by then, you have already lost half a day of natural lighting, and with experience modeling for Byte size photography and Silver Shadow photography last time, we defiantly need a lot of time. the room also werent what i was looking for. i wanted white beds, plain walls and a big window. and i could only find one place like that.

but it wasnt worth it, I would have needed to gather a lot of models in that day to make it worth my time/money. because why pay $100 a day for half the lighting, and not have enough models come in.

so i thought.. well.. my room has a big fucking window… why dont i just do it here?!

then i thought.. wait.. but if i revamp my room, i would need to clear it of the shit that it has in it. sooo.. i decided to do the other room first, revamp my spare room.

i wanted all the walls to be white, and one wall to be coloured. i never ever ever understood feature wall stuff when i was younger, because i wanted to be surrounded by colour, but now i completely get it.


This is what we started with.

My family moved into this house in 2002, and the room originally had ugly pink pattern wallpaper, which we stripped, not knowing how to do that, leaving terrible marks on the wall, and painted a green colour i chose for my brother because his favorite colour was green. the colour was called apple green, and i thought that was cool.
My mum hated it, but my dad does everything i say.. so he bought us the paint.

i tried moving the stuff out of the room myself, because i just wanted things to get done, and while i was moving one of the wardrobes myself. my dad came into the house and saw me.. so i had to ask for his help or then he would tell me off for doing it myself and not waiting.

so we moved everything out. then realised that the cornice was completely ruined.

so, my mum and i got on ladders, me with a crowbar, and my mum with a butchers knife, and tore the cornice off..

then started painting the room white.




After the first layer of white paint, my dad and i went out to buy new cornices.
we watched youtube tutorials, cut the cornice, (wrongly i might add) then with nathans help too, we all put it up.

in the wrong direction…

So we had to pull it down, and quickly put it onto the other side of the wall.. ruining both sides of the wall……………

Such fun…

but, after a very long frustrating day, it was done!!!


i sealed off the edges of the feature wall, and with some internet tips, i got painting.


Getting that shit everywhere.. also!! the chick from bunnings made our paint wrong 😦

i wanted to get 4 liters of this colour, to paint this room and the living room. and 2 liters of the other lighter colour for my room..


We ended up with the opposite. and as much as i loved the colour i chose for my room, i just wouldnt want the whole house covered in it. so Nathan and my mum went back to change it over.
he told them that we had already used the darker paint, because it was the paint we wanted, and that they just needed to give us an extra 2 liters of the darker paint to make things better. But instead, they swapped them both over!! so we ended up getting a bit of free paint since we’ve already used them.

One night, i was looking through gumtree for a french chaise to put into the room, because after painting the walls, and seeing how big the room could be without the clutter, i thought that i could use that room too for photoshoots!

and i actually found one that was close to my area in red!

i had been looking online everywhere for a chaise that was either white or red, and it happened to pop up just when i needed it. i thought i was perfect timing because if it had popped up a year ago, i wouldnt have been able to buy it.


it was advertised for $350, but we asked for $300 because it was a bit worn and torn. but ‘apparently’ it was in one of the Sydney theaters, that’s why its so battered.

But i love it neither way.

its a little smaller than i’d like, but i’ll make it work

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i also wanted a corner wardrobe too. and convinced everyone that i could make it. so i started making it. i even made a little model of it too, to show my parents and Nathan what im going for, and to count out how many wood planks we need.

i started out making the bottom part. using tools and shit.. yeah.. such a handy man i am..


Then my dad took over, and i let him, because there is no way him and i could work on a project together without bickering.


shes so cute.


he wanted to keep my existing closet and add onto it so we can utilize space, and not need to get rid of it.


i also wanted a place to put the mattress and rug in.

people dont stay over my place as much as they use to anymore, but its nice to know that when people want/need to, that they are still always welcomed. but i wanted a place to throw the mattress into because i didnt want it out in the open like it was before, it was kinda fugly lol. and a place to store my expensive rug that i forced my parents to get my and never use anymore. but i thought i could keep it too and use it for photoshoot purposes too!! =D

its been long, and expensive, and a lot of hard work. but its made me appreciate how much my dad has given us. he renovated the house so many times, and his done it all himself. i know that you should call in professionals to do it, but i get why my dad likes to do all that stuff, i mean, even now, i could have definitely gotten a professional to do it, we can afford to now, but its just so different, and it feels much better doing it yourself. i mean, i feel so, Nathan doesnt.

But to think of how tiring it all is now, i couldnt imagine what it was like for my dad to do all that by himself, then have to work a full time job afterwards as well as looking after us kids.

but fuck, its been expensive.

the girl at bunnings did say that its like a holiday at home. you are in a new place after this is all finished.

and shes right, the rooms were built for young tweens and teens. its been over a decade.. its about time we had a change.
Other than renovations, i’ve done a little bit oh photoshoots, and spending most of my time with Nathan and whoever is free while i am free.


Loc, Gill, Nathan and i went to Sculpture by the sea, and then back to gills place to play board games!!!



I was finally able to see Dan, and forced him to dress up with me, and take photos lol!!
My mum came home from work, and we walked out to my front yard, and shes like “oh..”

LOL! then later told me how beautiful Dan looked as a girl, and that he could pull it off really well.

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I was able to see steve!!! yeaaahhha!! gosh i love him so much.

I’ve known him since 2008, since i started working at Pho, and it has been such a beautiful pleasure watching him grow up to the man he is today. Watching his transition, and watching him improve himself every moment he could.

i also love photographing him. He is absolutely stunning.


Nathan and i were able to head to Brisbane at the beginning of November, and ended up getting quite a lot of stuff done in the 4 days we were there. It does suck though that we werent able to see people as long as we wanted, like, we were able to see his dad, but there still werent enough time to do more.

i might just make another blog about it, if i can.


I was able to photograph Simone, This beautiful girl i met at Mardi Gras this year.

I have been getting up to a lot actually.

I was able to see Anya for Thai food and bubble tea, Jenny and Annie before Annie left for Hawaii, Scrabble with Scott, Dessert with Nathan and Steve, got to see Courtney and Brittaney After Britts surgery, Dinner with Kim and Neaw, I went to Eashans 21st! mannn.. 21st Bdays..


Skype chat with Stella!


There is so many people i want to see and things i want to do.. but as we slowly get older, and our priorities have changed, its harder and harder to find time.

Anyways. Theres so much work to be done. and i’ve already wasted half my day sleeping and dreaming.